Sidenotes on The Trailing Spouse

About a year ago, while I was considering a topic to work on for a paper in a class, my professor asked why don’t I write about being a trailing spouse?

I did not want to do it, to be honest, I was worried that the concept was too close for comfort. I wasn’t sure that I would be able to be objective about something that was very personal. But since, the paper was more of an essay, there was a little bit of an elbow room, away from it being too positivist or academic, so I took up my teacher’s advice.

The more I read about it, I found myself further and further into it. More than the worry of not being able to present an unbiased perspective, perhaps, because everything I learned and read pertains to me and my life, I shouldn’t have been surprised that that I got so interested in it.

Reading more about it, wasn’t much of an enlightening experience, it was more of a widening of perspective. It wasn’t as much as answering questions, as I learned further, it was more of realizing that there so much more to consider.   

I eventually went ahead and did a study and is happy to share that the paper it produced was published in an academic journal back home. But I’m not going to bore you with the technicalities, what I would like to share in this post, are some of the things I learned, as well as concepts that made me really think about being a trailing spouse.

Perhaps some of the things that I will discuss here some of you already know about, and maybe some of it you wouldn’t necessarily agree with. These are just side notes, some added thoughts, personal take-aways while writing the paper.

Conceptualizing the Trailing Spouse

One of the most fascinating parts while doing the study was learning about how the concept of a trailing spouse started. While wives have been relocating for their husbands and families for a long time, it was first really recognized, when companies were beginning to consider aspects of assisting the families of their employees as incentives for choosing to be relocated away from their homes, or being mobile, like for travelling salesmen.

The term “trailing spouse” was first used in an article for the Wall Street Journal in the 80’s, about companies who were planning on giving job opportunities for the wives of employees that they are considering to relocate.

As stated earlier, this was happening in a time when male employees, particularly in the executive positions were declining transfers and relocation, because of family considerations, not wanting to spend time away from their loved ones.

But what was most interesting about this was that, by this time, women were starting to move forward for themselves. The job leads for the wives were being considered and given because they were now more confident in their individual growth, unlike before where they were mostly dependent on their husbands earning a living for the family. By this time, women were now more educated, having their own career choices, a trajectory of her own, independent of her husband and his support as a sole bread winner.

I find this fascinating because, when you think about it even though wives have been following their husbands before; modern social concepts like globalization and more importantly gender revolutions and advancements, the idea of a trailing spouse changed with it, giving it more weight and significance.

Nevertheless, there were still some issues behind the concept alone, for instance some took offense to the word “trailing”, arguing that that it still sounded subordinate. Others preferred to be called “accompanying” spouses, so that it would have a more equal-sounding ring to it.

I personally don’t have a problem with it. It is semantics, because it is basically true; one part of the couple needs to go somewhere and the other chooses to follow suit so that they can be together. You follow/trail them, if he or she is the reason you went there, then you are a trailing spouse/partner.     

Identity, Presentation, Acceptance

Because I am a Communication student, my paper explored how trailing spouses like me understood what that means to them, how society shaped the idea of being one, and in particular how we communicate that identity, like in our blogs.

What I learned is that while there is no question about what a trailing spouse is, how we present ourselves, at least in our blogs, is who we are individually mixed in with how we live our lives as trailing spouses. Not going far, I found out that my blog is more introspective, like what I am doing with this post. By writing about this, is sharing what I think about what it means to be a trailing spouse. Or like when I write about travels, is more of my perspectives and impressions of the place. Others use it as an extension of things they are passionate about, like cooking, or staying fit, wellness, etc. Being a trailing spouse, the reality of being the wife/partner who followed their significant other is the anchor that sets our lens and perspectives, using that to tell the story of what point in our lives we are, new mothers, freelance writers, lifestyle gurus, philosophical housewives.

I know, it sounds a bit much, I have an entire triangulated theoretical framework of how I got to that conclusion. But most important of all, I like the idea, that more than all that, the paper showed me, that there really is more to us than being trailing spouses, and we show that however chance we get.

That being said, it also doesn’t mean that being just a trailing spouse is less, or that we shouldn’t be proud of that title. I used the term anchor just a while ago, and I think that the strength of that anchor, lies on the level of acceptance one has about being a trailing spouse. For me it kind of goes back to trying to elevate what we are called, unhappy with the term “trailing” we struggle with what that does to our individuality we get lost into its interpretation, instead of embracing it and making it our own. 

In my readings I also noticed that many of the related literature, explored trailing spouses as dependent variables in the studies. How the many aspects of our lives, moving to a new country, culture shocks, in our case as diplomatic spouses the political, social, and cultural faux pas, affects us. There are very few that looks into us being the catalyst of an effect, or at the very least, how we see ourselves in those situations.

This is why, I thought about how someone like me would, show, discuss, present ourselves as a trailing spouse, and it was even more interesting to see that each of us, bring in so much color in the commonality of this life we chose. How our backgrounds, values, beliefs, contribute to how we see this title. As a matter of acceptance, I think this is the same as how we understand what this means to each of us, again depending on our character. And this we show to how the blogs I studied were shaped as a testament to who we were: This me, (insert name), a trailing spouse.

Gender Factors

Part of the study was to see how these trailing spouses look into their gender. And this today is a very relevant topic. What I found out was that being a woman, isn’t much discussed in the identity presentation of trailing spouses. As far as my paper was concerned, there wasn’t much in-depth or critical views about their being a woman and what that entails or how it effects their lives as trailing spouses.

There are of course stories about motherhood, aesthetics and wellness, for example, but these are not look into a negative light, or stereotypical themes women find interesting. Like I said is instead used as an extension to discuss and present a part of themselves alongside being a trailing spouse. There are also discussions about careers and individual pursuits that were left behind or set aside by marrying a traveler, but these too are not too visible in many of the blogs that I followed.

Although I cannot deny that there are still many issues regarding equality in gender roles and society’s expectations, but there is no denying that we have made further steps as compared to the past when women were only headed to marry, raise children, and care for their homes. As I wrote earlier, the concept of the trailing spouse was shaped because women have now become more competitive. By educating ourselves and breaking walls set between men and women, we were given more choices. And these choices gave us a sense of value.  

The key word for me there is the choice. I have no academic proof or methodology to back this up, but I think that part of this is because, many of us today are comfortable with the fact that there is the factor of agency behind this. That it is our free willing decision to take on this role. In addition to this, it seems that contemporary trailing spouses are now a bit more adventurous in a sense that they are open to the unknown options waiting for us at post. It is a risk, that it may not be exactly what we had in mind or hoped for, or not even close, but we make something of whatever it is we find when we get there. More than the confidence to stay behind and be independent without our partners, is the confidence to know that we can be our own person with them, anywhere in the world.

I can’t vouch for all of us, but I would also like to place some credit to our husbands who with the times are also progressive in a sense that they are aware that their wives are partners in this life that they have tracked and not merely dependents, or incentive companions brought along to make their lives abroad less lonely in a personal sense.

I don’t know if I told this before, but my Mom once explained that the reason she gave her blessing to let me marry at a relatively young age of 24, was because she said that she knew that even though I would try to bear it, make my own way in life, I would be pinning for JG, when he goes to post. And as cheesy as that sounds, I know deep in my heart that would have been true – on the account that mothers know best. My point here is that while trailing spouses did follow as companions for our husbands, for some of us, me especially, my coming along is as much for my sanity’s sake as it is for my husband.

Sure, our husband’s career is the main reason for our moves, and while we wives or partners made an independent decision to set the course of our lives attached to our significant partner, who happens to have this ever moving, mobile, occupation, there is also the mutual understanding that we are simply in this together. Like all marriages, we make things work, because we love, respect, and believe in this person, knowing that we are each other’s support system.